I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize