you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
