Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
