Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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