Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
