i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
