OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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