he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
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I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
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Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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