Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
