After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
