I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
