you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
