Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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