She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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