We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
