my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Randomize
