I murdered the dance floor call the cops
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
