i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
