Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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