yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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