my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
