the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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