what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
