can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I am mentally ready for anal.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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