Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
