I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
