i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i just made my gag reflex go away.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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