hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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