What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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