Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Dicks are not precious.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
