you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
