Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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