i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
