why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
