he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
