just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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