i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
