I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
