you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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