We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
