nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
