i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
