i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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