Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
