i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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