Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
