All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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