You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
