Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
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Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
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You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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