True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
