I wish I could punch you in the face.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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