kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
