If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
