Dude my mom stole all your condoms
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
