Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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