how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
